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Brian’s birthday was in January – right after Christmas and right in the middle of our family tragedy. It is safe to say I’ve let his room go wild for a couple of months. It got bad. This may be shocking to see because many people assumes my house is organized 100% of the time, but I have picture evidence of the chaos.
He had new gifts from Christmas and his birthday, but nowhere to put them. His room needed serious decluttering. When we got back from the funeral, I put his room on my to do list… but I kept not doing it. Every day I had an excuse not to do it, some valid and some not. I finally realized why I was trying so hard to avoid it.
And maybe this happens to you – you build up a project so much in your mind that you don’t think about just making progress on it, you think you need to perfect it. I don’t have the mental energy to do anything perfectly right now, especially a room that had gotten so bad, so of course I was avoiding it … because if I wasn’t going to declutter it perfectly, I didn’t want to do it at all.
When I realized that perfectionism had gotten in my way again, I worked around it. I reminded myself that I just needed to go in and declutter it, not perfectly clean and organize his room. When I took the pressure off myself and focused on including my son, suddenly I could go in there and face it. And we did it – progress accomplished!
Repeat until it sinks in – progress, not perfection!
Maybe you’ve heard me recommend NOT decluttering a child’s things without talking to them about it – I really believe it is important to include the child. Children who don’t learn to declutter as kids, won’t suddenly know how to do it as adults and this is an important life skill. The transition from doing it for them when they are a baby and a toddler to having them do it themselves as teenagers is gradual. I don’t think it’s necessary for my 6-year-old to participate in every second decluttering his room, but he needs to be involved and feel in control of the process (even if the control is just partial).
(And that cord is attached to my computer – I was completely watching Netflix while I worked on his room. I’m not a martyr. Ha!!)
The agreement I made with my son was that we had a box in his room for things that were leaving. We had a short discussion about why getting rid of things is important, and then the box was in his room a few days for him to slowly add things.
Then, without him, I went through his room and added more to the box. But, before the box left his room, he and I went through everything in it. He did put a few things back in his room, but in general, he parted with way more than I thought he would. In addition to the box, I had a garbage bag of trash that I just threw away without him going through it (he is 6 – no body has time for that) and a bag of baby-ish stuff for a friend expecting her first baby that he agreed to as well.
It really does make such a difference when your kids know you’re on their team, and you don’t pit yourself on the opposite side as them. I will not give in to the parent vs. child room-cleaning cliche. Giving children a feeling of control in the process helps them be open to change instead of focusing their energy on opposing us with their strong wills (my boy would definitely be considered a strong-willed child).
We made so much progress in Brian’s room, when I finally stopped letting my perfectionism control me. Getting out of my own way was also a reminder to focus on Brian and teaching him. Because in the end, his decluttered and organized bedroom is not for my benefit, it is a gift to him.
{And speaking of gifts, that pile of things on his dresser are presents from his birthday party that he hasn’t opened yet. He is the kind of kid to open a present and savor it for a while before moving on, because he loves to play in-depth with every little thing.}
First stop – decluttering, next stop cleaning, and then organizing. One thing at a time … it really is about progress!
From my home to yours,
Mary
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