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It has been a while! Maybe you’ve noticed I’ve been a little quiet on the blog through the summer and fall. (Maybe you haven’t! Ha! I’m not offended.) All the emails and messages from those who have worried about me have been amazing little bursts of happiness.
Though I don’t openly talk about my walk with depression, I have talked about depression on the blog and many of you have guessed about my struggle. Depression and Your Messy House is one of the most read blog pieces I’ve ever written, so I know I’m not alone.
I had an amazing therapist a few years ago who told me that it would be better for me if I just talked openly about what I go through, but I’m a private person and it has been difficult to convince myself to open up. I worry about being judged or misunderstood, and mostly I worry that no one really wants to hear about it. I figure people come to my blog for my homemaking tips, so who cares that I discover most of my tips on bad days. Any time I can find a way to make my life easier (usually by organizing or time management), it makes it easier for me to survive the really bad days of depression.
So much of my life behind the scenes of this blog has been ruled by depression. It is equally uncomfortable and freeing just to write that for you to read. Honestly, the biggest reason we got a dog was so we could train her to be a comfort and service animal.
I am actually a very cheerful and happy person, I don’t fake that to my friends, family, or readers. You may wonder how I can be a cheerful person who is depressed? Depression isn’t my personality, depression is a chemical condition that is complicated. You can have a wonderful life, feel very blessed, and also be super depressed.
Stress seems to make my depression go into overdrive, which is what happened this year. Moving and trying to get my family settled into our new life here has been all-consuming, and even though we are so happy here, stress is stress is stress. And stress does TWO major things to me: gives me shingles and makes my depression worse.
What does depression look like for me? Some days I can’t get out of bed until my kids are about to come home from school, then I get dressed really quick and act like a mom until bedtime. I think about blogging, and make plans to do it, but then I run out of energy to actually do it. Because it is on short supply, *all* of my available energy goes to my kids. Anything I can muster, it goes to them. I can hide my struggle in plain sight, because on the surface it isn’t obvious I have depression. I still take my kids places, do activities with them at home, help with homework, support their sports and clubs, and make them dinner.
Some days are harder than others to push myself through the motions, but if I have anything to give, I give it to my kids. I think this is important for them, but sometimes it complicates my recovery, because I’m not giving as much of my energy to self-care things that could help me feel better. It is hard to strike the right balance.
What I’m Trying to Do
My husband and I have made some strategic decisions to help me and I’m starting to feel almost normal again in the last couple of weeks.
- When we moved here, we made it a priority to find good doctors to help. I’m trying a new med and it is helping more than anything I’ve tried before. I also went to a specialist and learned my hormones are very unbalanced, so I’ve been taking something for that too which is really helping (and my skin looks better than it has in a long time!) I haven’t worked up the courage to find a new therapist yet, but that is in the plans.
- We downsized houses on purpose. I like feeling in control of my house and our last house was just so big – it took a lot of extra time to do regular cleaning and chores and was just more to manage. We love our new home – all one level with the rooms we wanted, in such a friendly neighborhood. Even though I’m not even finished organizing and decorating it, it is already easier to maintain!!
- I’m making new friends. Even though I usually want to just stay home when I feel depressed, I’ve been making a real effort to get out and make friends in our new town. It helps that I pretty much fell into the friendliest place on the planet, but I already have friends here!
- We take things one day at a time. Instead of stressing and living by arbitrary deadlines, we’ve been taking life one day at a time and doing our best every day. I know that sounds obvious to some of you, but some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. For example, we didn’t decorate for Christmas until this past weekend. Not carrying the weight of “being behind because of depression” feels good. It is still hard sometimes because I am a planner by nature, but I’m learning to be flexible and give myself grace.
- We got a dog! I am no longer EVER alone in my house. I literally keep my dog with me all day long while the kids are at school. (Either by closing doors or leashing her to myself. She goes in a crate when I run errands.) After school, I let her loose to play with the kids a while, and then when they are done giving her a ton of attention, she comes back to me. I’m so excited to take her for walks, but we are waiting until her puppy vaccines are finished. Her last shot is the week after Christmas, so soon.
- I sleep when I can. This may sound obvious too, but insomnia is one of my symptoms of depression, so this can be tough. The new meds and lifestyle changes have been helping this area too. Matt often lets me get a little extra sleeping in time on the weekends if schedules permit.
Now that I’m starting to feel much better, I’m coming back to the blog. I may be a bit behind preparing for the Declutter Challenge, but I am preparing the new Declutter Pack right now! More on that soon!!
I’m nervous about actually publishing this blog post. This is way outside of my comfort zone, but here I go …
From my home to yours,
Mary
You are an inspiration for so many reasons, including this one. Depression is hard. Opening up in the face of “but how can you be depressed with your perfect faith/family/life/career” is even more difficult. Sometimes, knowing a struggle is not exclusive to you is better than even the best medicine.
Thank you.
I found your blog shortly before you stopped posting, but I’ve been reading through the archives and I love your posts. Looking forward to seeing new ones 😉
Thank you for being so open about this. I can relate to everything you go through so much, but I have a hard time admitting I’m going through depression (again).
The things you’re doing to fight it sound good. I hope you feel better soon!
Thank you.
I am SO thankful that you pushed the button to publish! I am so glad you and your husband are on the same team and taking steps to help you feel your best self! I am looking forward to reading more of your blog ❤️ Merry Christmas !!
Thank you.
Mary,
I think you are so brave and strong to share all this. I had just been thinking of you this morning. You had said enough before about your depression that I was guess the reason behind the silence. So glad that you are seeing positive results from the new changes! Wishing you all the best.
Thank you.
Thank you for being brave enough to share about your depression. I understand how you feel about not wanting to open up and worrying what others may think. I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Actually, I was diagnosed years ago and have been on medication ever since. It does wonders. Very few people know because I’ve never been able to get past the stigma of it. The fact that you’re talking about it on your blog makes you all that more human and interesting, at least to me. Your sharing about it helps me to accept who I am just a little bit more. Thanks Mary. You’re a really good person. Keep it up. 😉
That is so sweet, Cyndi. Thank you.
Agree with this sentiment…love the blog, love the fact that you are a great example of being able to have depression and do this, too, and having the courage to step away and do what you need to do. Your health and happiness should come first. The world doesn’t implode if you miss some posts. 🙂
You’re welcome!
Thank you for your honesty , eloquence, wisdom and beautiful writing. I am sure your words will help more people than you can even imagine. Mrs. Frugalwoods wrote in the past few months about her post- partum depression and it was so honest and raw and eloquent. You both haven given a gift of understanding and enlightenment to many. Thank you.
Thank you.
❤️❤️❤️ My Sweet mother died in September. I miss her so very much. She used to say, “Do your best, and know that your best will look different on different days.”
Isn’t that so freeing? My sister & I have been saying that to ourselves and each other so often as we have been grieving her, and helping our kids to grieve her in healthy ways.
Blessings to you as you take these steps to manage your depression and get out from under it. Proud of you for speaking out and sharing your struggle. ❤️❤️❤️
Merry Christmas to your whole family. 🎄
Thank you. I LOVE your mom’s quote. That is amazing.
❤️❤️ I’m so glad it resonated with you. I assure you she was amazing as well, and her saying helps me be kinder to myself when I need it most. I was lucky to have her there to say it to me in person for so many years of my adulthood. Blessings to you.
Bless you and bless her for such wise and loving influence. I too had such a Mom ♡ Mary dear, you are an amazing lady who takes what the Lord gives you and in spite of your struggles with depression (I too understand this), reach out to your many, many (although not-yet-met) Friends through your awesome blogs. We thank you with love for your commitment to this mission! I pray for you and your family!
Thank you, Ruth. I appreciate all the prayers I can get. 🙂
Angela, I love your mom’s quote and have written it down and posting in my bathroom to where I will see it when getting ready to start the day. Thank you and God bless…….
Julie, I can’t tell you how much it means that my mom’s words will be something that lifts you each day. She would’ve loved that. I love it. God bless you as well!
You are not alone in dealing with depression. We may feel it and handle it in different ways, but you are not alone. You will find what works to keep it at bay. ❤️
Thank you.
Thank you! You’re amazing!
🙂
This is so beautiful! I actually found your blog because my anxiety was so out of control and part of my house being out of order was contributing to it. I find that me remembering that I am the expert on my body helps me feel more empowered to make the decisions for my self care.
Thank you. And getting order in life really DOES help with anxiety!
Love you so much!! You are 100% correct – depression is not your personality! You are so much fun and life and joy all in one of the most talented comedic packages I know. And the stress of moving and being in limbo for a mother trying to keep kids going – it’s beyond intense. I’ve been in a dark hole all year even without depression. Keep going and keep loving those babies – you’ve got this!
Thank you, Brooke! Love you too!!
Thank you for posting this!
I also struggle with depression, and this holiday season has been particularly hard, with my kids activities and all the extra holiday “stuff” on top of a job that’s still new to me, 6 months in.
I hope you can take care of yourself this holiday season. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks. It’s getting better, now that we’re past the two craziest weekends in December.
I have to remember that my life is just different now than it was a few years ago – I was a stay-at-home mom for almost 7 years, and now I work full-time.
Some things are a lot easier (I thrive on the routine of having to be somewhere at a certain time every day, my kids absolutely love their Montessori school which we couldn’t afford without my salary, money is much less tight than it’s ever been in our marriage, I love using my engineering degree/skills outside the home again).
And some things are harder (I don’t have as much flexibility to take a day “off” when I want to, I don’t see my kids during my peak “alert” hours in the morning as I’m at work by 7, I can’t just decide to take them to the zoo or museum on a random week day, I have to fit things into my evenings and weekends that I used to do during the day on week days, etc.)
Both lifestyles have their positives and negatives, and it’s always easier to see the positives in the life I’m not currently living, so I sometimes need to remind myself that going back to staying home wouldn’t necessarily be easier or better for our family – it’s just a different set of positives and negatives than what I have right now.
I know what you mean. It seems as women we are often cursed to feel like the grass is greener on the other side. It is so difficult to stop comparing and to feel content with where we are at.
A honest and refreshing post about what it’s really like to hide in plain sight. You’re doing all the right things to improve and keep going and I know that it’s hard. I can relate too much to your words. We recently got a dog and it’s made such a huge difference! Keep up the meaningful work!
Thank you.
Mary, I loved your post and your honesty about your depression. I too am a sufferer and struggle at times, isn’t it what makes us human and fragile! I admire all you do as a homemaker with 5 children and still manage a blog. The dog was a great idea, he will give you unconditional love and loyalty. My own dog died 2 years ago after spending nearly 16 years with us. I now have a cat that cuddles up with me and is so sweet. Keep well.
Thank you. And I’m so sorry to hear about your dog-baby passing.
Kudos to you for speaking up, Mary. More people struggle with depression than most people realize, and you sharing your struggles helps reduce the stigma, and it’s helping more than one person speak up about their own struggles or feel more “ok” about the fact they struggle, too– and giving some new hope or ideas for help to someone who needs it. Good for you stepping out of your comfort zone and having the courage to share.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! Depression is so hard, but also so important to talk about. I hope sharing here has helped you at least a little. I was just talking to my husband about decluttering the other day, thinking about you, and hoping you were doing ok because I hadn’t “heard from” you (your blog) lately. I’m glad you’re finding strategies that help you!
Thank you. I’ve missed blogging!
Mary, I have to say that I appreciate your opening up to everyone. There are so many of us suffering from depression and anxiety who feel like we have to pretend that everything is always OK. Thank you for being honest about your struggles; it’s very difficult to do that. I have missed your blog posts and look forward to seeing more! Take care of yourself and I love that you now have a dog to help! I am from Arkansas (your former home state) and feel a connection that way!
Thank you. I miss Arkansas still, I still consider it “home”!
Thank you for sharing. <3
Thanks Jenny.
Mary,
I looked up your website b/c I’d like to do the Decluttering Challenge again in January like I did last year – SO HELPFUL!! So when I read your blog on depression I was surprised and so glad that you shared that inner part of yourself with everyone. I have depression as well, and you educated everyone that it is a chemical imbalance not a feeling. So important! I wish you well, and I look forward to seeing what you have to offer in the coming months.
Thanks,
Molly
Thank you! And the declutter challenge materials are almost done! I just need a good few hours without kids or my puppy needing me and it will go up. 🙂
I just searched my emails thinking I haven’t read a “Creating Mary’s Home” post in a while. Thank you for explaining your absence. Believe in yourself. I wish you only the best days ahead with your beautiful family! Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much, Eileen! 🙂
Hi there ,
I feel moved to tears by your words which resonate so strongly with me. I have read lots about depression but nothing which has hit home quite like this. I have yet to admit my reality to anyone except my husband and my doctor, , knowing that people would be incredulous and/or respond in a way that makes me feel worse. It feels like too great an admission of weakness, vulnerability, failure even, esp for someone who has an “easy” life, or so it seems from the outside. In my head I know and tell myself it is not any of those things, but thinking is one thing, feeling is quite another.it helps a lot knowing that there are a lot of other people out there struggling with this kind of stuff ( and I try not to feel guilty on top of everything else for feeling this way when so many people have it SO much worse than I do )
Thanks for writing and sharing Mary.
I think there are lots of us hiding in plain sight. I’m so glad this post helped you know you are NOT alone!
Mary, I’ve missed your posts and was worried about you. I’m glad that you are getting a handle on things and moving forward. You are very brave, strong and honest to share your story. You are not alone. So many people are struggling like you. Remember that everyone is fighting personal battles. The love and support of your family and friends will help, and just look at all your positive replies here! Hang in there. Take care. I will be praying for you. Merry Christmas!
Thanks so much Cheryl!
Depression is a real medical disease. I have it and have medication which helps alot. When I speak to my friends about it, they say but you are so happy, always smiling, and I reply I guess the meds are working.
The holiday season can be the worst, especially if you have problems in the family. I can’t make cookies for my grandchildren because they are not alllowed regular flour or sugar. What is better than a good cutout sugar cookie and I don’t even frost them. I “paint” the decorating with egg yolk paint. Super simple and fun to do. Thanks for sharing and getting the word out about the struggles of depression. Life IS NOT hopeless, we just need a little extra help
You are right, it is absolutely a disease and should be managed like it! Maybe there are other ways to make memories with your grandkids at Christmas. One of my girls JUST (like, I got the call Friday) with a gluten allergy and that is changing things for us this Christmas! We still baked all day today, but different treats than in years past. 🙂
I find that I have some very nonproductive days that mirror some of your symptoms. Your coping mechanisms are a terrific help to me, especially on those rotten days. Thank you for sharing; I believe that we can always learn more about understanding ourselves and others.
Thanks, Lynn. I hope your bad days get better!
Thank you for publishing this. It is nice to read about other people who seem to be going through similar things. I have many nonproductive days and struggle to get things done. After reading this though, I am feeling better about myself, knowing that I am not alone.
You are definitely not alone, Amy!
I’m sorry to read of your depression, Mary. Thank you for sharing your story and I sincerely hope that it will help you find your way back to firmer ground. Go easy on yourself.
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much Mary for opening up about your struggle with depression. I sincerely hope that writing about it helped you as much as it helped me reading your very honest account of the issues that face so many of us. Sending lots of love and support from one of your Aussie readers.
Thank you so much, Angela.
Sending a hug your way. I participated in your decluttering challenge in 2017 and searched to see if your blog was back up again. I am SO happy to see that it is.
This is a bad time of year for depression, too, because of the lack of sunshine and feeling cooped up with the workload of a mother. Hopefully. it gets better for everyone soon!
I am also so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. It’s so heartbreaking and puts life into perspective. Some days when I feel overwhelmed by my burdens, I stumble across stories like this and realize it could be so much worse. May God grant your whole family comfort and healing!
Thank you so much, Amanda.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this blog. I just now read it for the first time since it was written the same week my husband had a brain tumor removed and was diagnosed with brain cancer. Life has been beyond overwhelming. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but very thankful you shared. I hope you have more good days than difficult ones. Please don’t hesitate to blog your feelings again when you are up to it. It helps to know you’re not alone and that others are so supportive.
Oh goodness, it sounds like you’ve been going through A LOT. Overwhelming sounds about right. I will say a prayer for you, that you’ll be given some extra strength as you go through this.
One thing I am learning in life, there are more people going through the same thing I am than I realize. I’m not some freak! Having you in part of my life is such a blessing. Just… thank you.
You are definitely not alone! And thank you 🙂