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I’m tempted to just say “Everyone have a great fall, I’ll be taking a break for a little while,” but I wanted to say more … so I’m going to get personal here.
My reason for taking a bit of a break is more than just to focus on all the new things coming. I need to take a breath and give myself time to grieve. This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed. The thought that finally got me up was making banana pudding.
Three weeks ago I made banana pudding for my grandma. She had been staying with us while my parents were moving across the country from Portland to Texas. I asked her when she arrived at my house what her favorite food was, desert or dinner, I wanted to know what would she eat if she could choose anything. She told me banana pudding.
Three weeks ago I returned home well after dinner time. My washing machine stopped working the day before, and so I spent part of my Saturday evening at the laundromat with my husband and kids. When we left home to go, grandma was sleeping. We stopped for pizza on our way back home. Grandma woke up at the sound of four kids entering the house (not a quiet thing ever), but I could tell that the pizza didn’t sound appetizing to her. I told her that I’d make her some banana pudding. When I went to the pantry to get out the pudding, I realized that I had confused lemon pudding for banana pudding. Grandma hadn’t felt very well all week and had skipped too many meals. Determined to get something in my grandma’s tummy, I ran to the store to grab the right flavor pudding.
She ate and enjoyed her banana pudding. I sat on the floor of her room and chatted with her for a few hours that night while she slowly ate. We didn’t talk about anything too memorable. I told her funny stories of my kids (her great-grandchildren) to make her laugh. It all felt so normal. It was completely shocking when she passed away the next day.
In the past three weeks, we’ve had my grandma’s funeral, 18 members of my family stayed at my house, my husband has travelled for work for 2 weeks, our washing machine was repaired, all of my kids have started school/ preschool, my twins had their 10th birthday, we threw a 10th birthday party that my girls have been planning excitedly for months, my husband had his birthday, all of my credit/debit cards had fraud activity, I’ve not slept much, and life just keeps plowing on. Kids still need 3 meals a day and clean clothes, even if their mom is mourning.
Today I am letting myself just be. My husband took my oldest two kids to a big Lego League Kickoff event, and I’m at home with my youngest two. My sweet 8 year old is my toddler’s favorite friend. They are watching The Land Before Time while I’m in the kitchen making banana pudding.
I’m just not feeling like myself. In an effort of self-survival, I’m pausing everything I can and taking things slowly. I know that if I give myself a break and let myself grieve, I will feel like myself again soon.
Sometimes we have to take a step back to move forward.
Thank you so much for being the best readers on the planet. I am so blessed to get to do what I love, and I owe it to you.